Thunderous Alchemist
by MsLightningAlchemist
Summary: Clara Graves. The first female State Alchemist. A soldier with two ranks. And an alchemist with a big secret. With a Colonel, Lieutenant Colonel, and Major under her command, she's seen as the biggest offensive force in the military. There's only one problem: her constant napping. Four OCs, major plot twisting due to Anime mixing. T for my paranoia.
1. Introductions

"So, this is Major General Graves' office, huh?"

A short blonde kid, wearing a red coat, was standing in front of a door in the dimly lit hallway.

"It's the second door on the right in the dark hallway, Brother."

The boy in the suit of armor turned to the short kid.

"Well, might as well get this over and done with." The kid opened the door.

Gentle snoring greeted his ears, and four people sitting in the office met his eyes.

"Hey, General." The Major, as his uniform jacket noted him as, turned to the person behind the desk. "You got a visitor." He was a tall, wiry guy with brownish blonde hair and brown eyes.

"This might take a while." The Lieutenant Colonel, so stated his stars and stripes, looked at the kid. "Go ahead and take a seat. Graves' naptime isn't the best time to bug her." He had long black hair and dark, shifty eyes. He was shorter than the Major.

"Of course, her time asleep is usually eighteen hours a day. Maybe more than that." The Major walked over to the papers on the General's desk. He switched them out with the ones he had been working on. "Hey, Graves."

The General grunted. "Too early. Go away ..."

The kid's eyes widened. "Wait, the General's a woman?"

"Yeah, and so am I, her second in command." The last person to introduce herself stood up. "Nice to meet you, I'm Colonel Viola Melton, the Optical Alchemist." She offered her hand to the two. Her hair was pulled back in a frizzy ponytail, and her brown eyes sparked with intelligence.

The kid shook her hand. "Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist."

"I'm his younger brother, Alphonse Elric." The boy in the armor bowed.

"Pleased to meet you two." Viola shook Alphonse's hand.

"I'm Aiden Reyes, the Explosive Alchemist." The Lieutenant Colonel grinned. "Run into any explosives recently?"

"And I'm the one that's the best at keeping Graves asleep!" The Major smirked. "I'm Drew Norton, the Consistency Alchemist."

"I could have sworn it was the Marshmallow Alchemist." Reyes looked at Norton.

"Just because Graves orders me to turn her papers into pillows doesn't mean that I use it only to make things soft!" Norton countered.

"Either you two stop bickering or I'll unleash a can of kick ass on you two and keep you outside for a week." The General sat up, a glare narrowing her indigo blue eyes. "What the hell are you two bickering like a married couple about, anyway?"

"Their titles, as usual." The Colonel shook her head. "Why don't you go ahead and kick them out the window?"

"Nah." Graves noticed the newcomers. "Oh, some new recruits? Good! I needed some more people to do my work. Which one of you two is it?"

"Neither of them, General," Melton explained. "I have an idea that this is merely an introductory visit."

The General yawned. "Aw ... I was hoping for someone new. Then state your business and I might not kick you out with these two."

"I heard you had a clue on the Stone?" Edward asked.

Graves sat up straighter. "Oh? Who gave that to you?"

"The Colonel. Colonel Mustang."

Graves' head fell back to the papers. "Oh, that useless moron." She yawned and closed her eyes, turning her head so her cheek was resting on the paper. "Wake me when you need an answer to the Stone."

"What?!" Edward snapped. "You have a clue about the Stone? Tell us!"

She half-opened an eye. "No."

"Come on! What does it take to get you to tell us everything you know?!" Edward demanded.

"Ask your beloved Colonel and leave me alone to nap." The General half-stretched and fell back asleep to her gentle snoring.

* * *

><p>"Ah, avoided the subject, huh?"<p>

Edward nodded. "And I thought you could be more helpful than Mustang." He was standing next to the Colonel, glancing at the door to the office. He had gotten wind that the General had gone to lunch and come to her office to get some useful information.

The Colonel sat back in her seat, a slight frown on her face. "Sorry, I've got nothing you need to know right now."

"What?" Ed groaned. "I should have added that to a list of things she should tell me ..."

"I wouldn't have given you a straight answer, taboo breaker." Clara came into her office and threw a file on her desk. "'Uses Alchemy without circles by clapping his hands together.' And later on, 'Right arm and left are steel prosthetics.' Being a brilliant alchemist myself, I can put two and two together. You do realize I can report you to the military and have you discharged at any given moment."

Edward gave her a look of utter horror. "No!" he protested. "Not yet! Please, don't-"

Clara just chuckled as she sat down. "You have your secrets, I have my own. So does the Colonel. And the other Colonel."

"Well, you found out my secret; what's yours?" Edward asked, quickly recomposing himself.

Graves yawned. "Aah ... Can't tell you yet. Maybe if you meet the others with an odd tattoo. Let me know and I'd be more than happy to tell you. Now then, I do believe that ... Aw! Next week's worth of papers signed themselves! What am I going to sleep on now?"

"How about a real bed for once, Major General?" Colonel Melton suggested. "It's not going to kill you, you know. It might actually be better for your health, too."

Graves stared at her second in command blankly. "And how long were you planning on withholding this valuable information from me? Maybe I should get a couple couches put in here ..."

Colonel Melton shook her head in disbelief. "Are you really that dumb?"

"No, I just think with sleep as my number-one priority."

Edward stared at the General. How did this lazy woman become the highest-ranking female State Alchemist in history? Not to mention supposedly the strongest. "So, about the Stone ..."

"Can it, Fullmetal." Graves waved a hand. "Unless you have any idea where I could put something like that."

Edward scowled. "Aren't the offices next to yours empty? You could just put something in one of the two and call it good."

"Brilliant!" Graves beamed. "As for the clue, try Liore? I've heard something about their priest. Miracles and all that nonsense. Good luck!" She practically pushed him out the door and shut it behind him.

Edward stared at the door as it closed behind him. _The General's definitely strange ... She's hiding something, I just know it._


	2. East City

"So, what's on the schedule for this week, General?"

Graves half-opened an eye. "What do you mean, Melton?" she grunted. "You know, the usual. Sleep, sleep, and more sleep."

Melton sighed heavily, dropping a stack of papers onto the desk. "How about work, work, and more work? You do know that we're the only thing keeping HQ afloat with all of this, right?"

Graves sighed and sat up. "All right. Fine. I'll limit my sleep time to a whole seventeen hours."

As she reached for the top of the stack, the phone rang. With a grumble, the General picked it up. "Graves office, Graves speaking. Make it fast, or else."

"Clara! Good to know you're still a grumpy old lady with a nap problem!"

Graves groaned and leaned back in her chair. "What the hell do you want, Lt. Col.? You know I won't help that lazy Colonel."

"Not that today, Clara."

"Would you at least address me as Graves or General, Hughes?"

"No! We're friends, right?"

Graves grumbled something that sounded like 'more like acquaintances'. "That's not important, Hughes. What the hell do you want? I said make it fast, remember?"

"It's about the Sewing-Life Alchemist."

Graves straightened up and sat properly in her chair. "I'm listening."

"He's dead. By Scar."

Graves stood up. "This is from East City, right?"

"Yes."

"My team and I will be there when the next train from Central arrives."

"Wait, General-!"

The line went dead as the General hung up. "Be ready in ten. East City awaits us."

* * *

><p>By the time they got there, the street was torn up and the sun had come out.<p>

"Oh well, maybe next time." Graves sighed and popped her neck. "But at least we know a few more things: he's using alchemy."

"General?" Melton asked.

Graves held up a fragment of metal. "Automail. Which means your favorite brothers were here, Melton."

"That's nothing less than what I'd expect from our fearless leader!" Norton sighed. "Making jokes and slacking off. Weren't we supposed to go after Scar? Then why don't you just reconstruct the road and follow him?"

Graves threw the fragment at Norton. "Don't suggest the impossible, Norton. We need to know which way he went, first. And even then we stand no chance against him because he's probably far ahead of us by now." She pointed in the direction of East HQ. "For now, we get more intel on this killer. Then we'll go from there."

"I told you she's not going to go after Scar immediately. Graves isn't a Major General for her Alchemy skill alone, Drew!" Reyes laughed.

Drew sighed. "I know, but ..."

"But nothing. She didn't come out here just to slack off on her work. She knows she needs more information about Scar if we're going to go after him." Melton sighed, shaking her head. "Put more trust in her. She didn't save your worthless asses because she felt like it, you know."

"Save us? From what?" Drew asked.

Melton rolled her eyes. "The reason you two are in her unit and not someone else's is because she knows that you have more use out on the field than inside signing papers."

Drew and Reyes shared a shocked expression. "What? You mean ..."

"She was there ..."

"On both of our exam days?!"

Graves cleared her throat. "Are you three done? We need to get to HQ now, before we lose our witnesses."

"Yes, sir!" The trio saluted their commanding officer.

* * *

><p>Graves was standing in the doorway to the office, staring at the scene before her. Alphonse was closest to her, next to his older brother, Edward. Mustang's team was behind the two, along with Armstrong and Hughes. Behind the desk at the farthest point from the door was the Colonel himself.<p>

All of the soldiers were ramrod straight with salutes.

"If I wanted a salute, do you think I would have just barged on in like this? At ease." Graves made a face. "Now then, who has more information about this Scar fellow?"

Armstrong spoke up first. "He's an Ishbalan."

Graves nodded slowly. "Okay, that makes sense as to why he's going after State Alchemists, but what of his use of alchemy?"

Hughes looked surprised. "And how did you know that?"

Graves held up the metal fragment she had thrown at Drew. "I'm not your average alchemist, you know. I can tell that this was blown apart using alchemy that had stopped at the second stage: deconstruction. I can also tell that this piece was once auto-mail that had been crafted for someone who's low to the ground for speed and accuracy, not power. Of course, this means that I'm referring to the Fullmetal Alchemist."

Edward was staring at her. "The first person not to make fun of my height ..."

"Did you expect me to be rude and mean like your commanding officer? Tch, I may be insensitive at times, but I'm not mean to kids." Graves gave Mustang a glare. "And that's probably one of the reasons I was promoted to General, not Colonel."

"False!" Hughes countered. "When the war ended, you were a Colonel already! You were promoted twice for service to the State, that's how you got your rank."

Graves nodded slowly. "That sounds about right. What was the first one again? Taking down some corrupt family that was running inhumane experiments on people? Or was it for catching the killer that had slain my parents among other important people? I can't remember."

"The latter, General." Melton sighed and shook her head. "And you and I both know the true story behind that."

"Yes! That's for another time!" Graves grinned. "Now that we have all the information we need, I suggest we go back to Central and figure out a way to lure out this guy so we can catch him. The sooner we get him, the sooner I can start napping again."

Havoc leaned over to Breda. "Does she ever do anything but nap?"

"Actually, she does occasionally read. And plot ways to get revenge against her nonexistent enemies." Reyes sighed. "And somehow manages to finish a weeks worth of papers in two hours."

"In her sleep, no less!" Norton groaned.

Graves cleared her throat. "You two _do_ realize that I'm still here, right? Either you two stay here and gossip like little old ladies or get your asses moving to the scene. Melton, I want a status report on the way there." With that said, she turned and left as abruptly as she came.

Reyes and Norton quickly followed suit, the door closing behind them.

Edward looked after them, bewildered. "What was that all about?"

* * *

><p>"A week. One. Damn. Week."<p>

Graves and her team were seated in one of the train booths. The women were on one side, the men on the other. The window to the outside world was to the women's left.

The General was scowling at the landscape. "And we still have no leads on this Scar fellow. Remind me, when we get back, to spend the next two days catching up on the sleep I missed."

Melton smacked her superior on the head. "What the Hell are you talking about, General?! You promised all of us that you weren't going to sleep more than fifteen hours until Scar was caught!"

"And that you'd buy us drinks when he was!" Reyes protested.

"And invite Hughes, Armstrong, and Mustang, too!" Norton added.

Graves smirked. "You really thought I was serious? Me? Drinking? With you guys and those idiots?" She burst out laughing. "I was kidding!"

Melton sighed and shook her head in disbelief. "I'm going to hold you to that drinking thing, though. I'd like to see you and the Colonel drunk together. I bet it'll be more than entertaining."

"Whaaaaaaaat?" Graves asked. "That guy looks like he'd get more than intoxicated with a sip of wine! There's no way that he could hold his liquor! Besides, you all know it wouldn't be fair."

Reyes grinned. "Actually, I'd like to see this happening. How about next week? Like next Tuesday or Wednesday, after your shift, General? Norton and I will provide the Colonels' transportation up here."

"With all due respect, Reyes, you still owe me for the last bet that the General wouldn't catch Scar. And with that, you're broke." Norton grinned evilly. "Now pay up, Lieutenant Colonel."

"Whaaaaaat?" Reyes groaned. "I can't pay you and live for the next two weeks! How about the next time we get paid?"

Graves cleared her throat, getting the attention of her subordinates. "A-_hem_. You two do realize we're still on the train in a car full of passengers, right? And you two are bickering like a married couple once again."

"B-but-!"

"I'll personally pay his debt out of my own pocket, Norton. As for that so-called drinking contest-" Graves was cut off by Melton.

"I'll make sure that it happens." Melton grinned.


	3. The Hangover

A/N: I actually got the inspiration for some of this chapter from the Tequila Story. Go youtube Drunk Travis story. It's too funny!

And now, without further distraction, Thunderous Alchemist!

* * *

><p>"You're saying that you dragged me here just so your subordinates could place bets on who would be drunk first?"<p>

Graves snickered. "Well, having no new leads on Scar or paperwork to do, my office tends to get fairly ... boring. So to pass the time, they make those stupid little bets while I pursue ... other things."

"You mean sleep." Hughes came up between the two.

"Exactly. It's good for your mental well-being, you know. Enough sleep at night and you'll be ready to go in the morning. Or so Melton says." Graves nodded and crossed her arms.

"And why are you wearing a shawl like that?" Melton raised an eyebrow with a knowing smirk.

"Because all my dresses with sleeves mysteriously vanished, _Colonel_. And I know who's behind the whole thing, _Colonel_." Graves shot a glare at Melton.

Melton shrugged innocently. "I have no idea where they went, Graves. I've told you that six times now. But I have to say, it's nice to see you finally wear something less ... warm-looking. You'd probably be sweating up a storm by now!" She made a face. "But why the shawl? You look like a grandma!"

Graves scowled and threw the thin cloth to the side of the street. "Better, Vi?"

Melton scowled at the name. "I told you not to call me that, Clars."

"Eye Freak."

"Lazy Ass."

"Illusionist."

"Thunder Snore"

"Busybody."

"Napper."

"Slave driver."

Hughes cleared his throat. "You two do realize we're here, right?"

Graves straightened up, ignoring the death glare from Melton. "Great! I can't wait to kick Mustang's ass."

Mustang chuckled a few times. "Puh-lease. You've got this shapely figure, that woman-esque charm. There's no way you can handle your liquor."

"Excuse me?" Graves raised an eyebrow. "I beg to differ, _horse_."

Hughes grinned as Melton groaned, "Here we go again ..."

"If you're so confidant, then why don't we settle this the normal way? By actually having this battle instead of trying to one-up the other?" Graves smirked evilly. The tattoo on her right shoulder flashed in the dim light as the soldiers walked into the bar.

"Then I'll have two for every one of yours!" Mustang countered.

Graves snickered, which soon turned into laughter. "You're on! Don't blame me for your hangover tomorrow, Mustang!"

The night went on. As did the drinks.

After the fifth one for Graves, she started taunting the poor Colonel. "Regretting this, yet, horse?"

The reply was a glare and a grunt. "No."

"Another round!" Graves declared.

Hughes and Melton shared a worried look. Not for the General, but for the drunk Colonel.

"I thought I warned you, Graves isn't what you'd call a 'normal woman'." Melton sighed as the next round arrived.

Hughes nodded. "You've told me too many times. Should we call this off yet? I'm more worried about Roy and the massive hangover he's going to have."

Melton nodded in agreement. "All right, Graves. That's enough. Mustang's clearly learned not to underestimate you."

Graves glanced at Melton before heaving a heavy sigh. "You're right ... But he's still conscious!"

"General ..." Melton warned.

"Fine, fiiiiiine ... I'll let him off the hook. But next time he's dead!" Graves stood up.

* * *

><p>"Oh, the Colonel called in?"<p>

_"Yes, and he said he had a hangover._"

Melton glanced at the empty chair where Graves always sat. "A hangover, huh? That's funny, that's what Graves said, too."

_"Really? I thought you were just taking him out for a drink, nothing too serious. At least, that's what Major Norton and Lieutenant Colonel Reyes explained to me."_

"And you believed them? Who told you that, Reyes?"

_"Yes._"

Melton laughed, glancing at the two men who were frantically going through paperwork. "Figures. He's always got his head somewhere else. I'm sure he probably commented on something as he left, right? Always the short attention span." She shook her head with a sigh. "Unless it comes to explosives. You do know that Graves calls him Kimblee, right?"

"I'M NOT KIMBLEE!" Reyes protested.

There was laughter on the other line before Hawkeye continued, "_I didn't. Well, I need to do before these three start slacking off again. Good luck with the hungover alchemists._" There was a click and the line went dead.

"Well, should we go pay them a visit?" Melton asked. "More like Graves, but-"

"_Yes!_"

Approximately an hour later ...

"Ah, yes. The supposedly empty Graves estate." Norton nodded slowly. "Ever since the house allegedly caught fire, it's been abandoned by our fearless leader."

Melton shook her head with a roll of her eyes. "You know that's not true, Drew."

"But Violaaaa!" Drew whined.

"No buts. You know that it's still standing to this day. I've just cleverly disguised it with my alchemy."

"Enough of the talk! Let's go bug the General!" Reyes pointed to the empty lot. "Can we? Pleeease?"

Viola groaned. "Fine! If it'll get you two to just shut up!" She took a step forward and the mansion came into view, looking as if nothing had happened to it.

There was a faint movement from one of the curtains on the third floor, but nothing happened afterwards. Then the front doors creaked open.

"Cooolllooonnneeeelllllluuuuhhh!"

Viola was knocked over by a streak of lilac, brown, and black.

"Finally! I was about to die from boredom from the lack of anything to do around here!" Graves was gesturing to the large estate. "I mean, I've already dusted most of the things that I've touched in the past week, and-"

"And you've still got most of the estate to clean, General."

Graves chuckled and rolled her eyes with a mock pout. "You know I can't hire anyone to help. Or ask. Too much to do. Besides, we still have Scar to go out and catch, so most of it will go to waste, anyway." She shrugged indifferently. "Maybe when this is all over, I really will set it ablaze and move somewhere else."

"And what about your exclusive collection, Clara?"

Clara smacked Drew upside the head. "I know that most of the books in the library are rare and one-of-a-kind. That's why I'm planning on selling them for more money. Or maybe I could sell my estate and the books. Then I'd never have to worry about money for the rest of my life. Hell, even my kids could have a good living because of that!" Her face fell. "Oh, right. There's always the big problem: Finding some guy who can put up with my crazy antics and stay mostly sane."

"You could become the rich cat lady." Reyes suggested.

"Hell no!" Clara snorted. "You know I'm allergic to cats, Aiden. Don't you remember what happened when Alphonse let me hold one of the cats he had? My neck had scratch marks on it for a week and they itched for two days straight!"

"That's because you held it up and threatened to flay it alive, Clara." Drew sighed.

Clara turned and headed back towards the estate. "That was after the fact. If you'll excuse me, I do have something I need to do. If you want to follow, go ahead. Just be quiet, unless you want to die bursting into flames."

Viola grinned. "I knew it. You know you can't keep anything from me."

Clara chuckled as she opened the door. "Yeah. I know." She walked into the foyer. "Eh, kitchen's up ahead, first door on the right. If you're hungry, that is." She glanced ad Aiden and Drew.

They ran into the kitchen.

"Well, any luck yet, Colonel?"

Viola shook her head. "Nothing yet. I don't have a good eye on East City's sewer system yet. And unless my information is correct, there's been an explosion on the Mauro River."

"What?!"

Clara glanced up the stairs to her left. "Oh, finally got over the worst of that hangover, Colonel? About time. Oh, I forgot to ask earlier, did you ever find your wallet?"


End file.
